Genova's Witnesses, the religion of Jason "The Iron Prophet" Genova
Statement of faith
Genova's Witnesses believe in Jason Genova. He has the most magnificent attributes and is known by many names. He first existed as the deity Jason Giovanni, then chose to descend to the earth as Jason Genova, born of a potato plant, eternally a virgin to enlighten and entertain the masses. He subsequently sent forth The Prophet Andrew (gains be upon him), possessing a Nikon Coolpix HD camera to record the life and teachings of Jason Genova. Other prophets such as Adam Harper (gains be upon him) would soon follow to help preach the gospel of Genova to all the world and to every creature.
The Trinity of Piss
Awaring
Genova's Witnesses believe that Genova left behind pictures and videos to serve as testimony of His divinity to mankind, and to provide guidance to His followers. It is the duty of every Witness to share these pictures and videos not only with each other, but to unaware people, acting as missionaries to win more subscribers to His channel and grow the reach of the church.
Genova's Curse
If one chooses to embrace The Ment by helping Genova and interacting with Him, then later abandons Him, that person will be stricken with Genova's Curse; just as they have rejected Genova, so too will Genova reject them, giving them over to a reprobate existence. We can clearly see this curse in action with PJ Braun, Aaron Singerman and Adam Harper: Once great prophets who won many followers to Genova, they later rejected Him for covetous pursuits. Genova brought a plague upon them, and the U.S. government soon banned the sale of pro hormones, utterly destroying their businesses. Genova's Witnesses must pray for these men to return to Genova and dispel the curse, before it is too late for them.
Prayer
Prayers to Genova are to be done while kneeling and facing the direction of Delray Beach, the most holy city for Genova's Witnesses.
Holy wars
Witnesses are infamous throughout the land for their fanatical devotion to Genova, and will annihilate heretics and destroy their false idols if necessary. Acts of terrorism are not permitted amongst Witnesses, unless an Order 66 is issued, in which case anything goes. Only Genova Himself may execute Order 66.
The Yin and the Yang
Genova is understood to possess perfect scumminess, while Andrew possesses perfect virtue. There are some who claim to hate Jason and only like watching Delray Misfits videos, or threaten to unsubscribe from Genova's channel after He engages in scumbag behaviour. These people are not true Witnesses. They must love and accept Genova for all of His faults, and realize that He and Andrew bring perfect balance to one another. Only then can one truly enjoy The Ment.
The plan of salvation
While following all of the above laws of Genova are considered to be good works, the following parable illustrates how true salvation is achieved for Genova's Witnesses:
One day, A Genova's Witness had the supreme honour of being contacted by Genova Himself. Genova asked the man if he could spare $100 for Him. The man apologized and said that he could not, because he had to pay for his father's funeral. Genova then replied, "How bout 15 buck." The man said that he still could not pay. Then Genova offered him a t-shirt with His image emblazoned on it for $25. Once again, the man said that he could not, and Genova bid him farewell.
Distraught and full of regret, the man approached The Prophet Andrew (gains be upon him). He told Andrew: "Genova contacted me asking for $100, and I could not spare it. Then, He generously reduced His request to $15, which I still could not spare. Then He offered me a t-shirt with His image emblazoned on it for $25, and once again, I could not. I fear that I have angered our Sith Lord and have not fulfilled my duty as a Genova's Witness. Sir, what must I do to be saved?"
Andrew laid his hand upon the man's head, and said: "Worry not, my son: For all have sinned, and fall short of the glory of Genova. As it is written, there is none righteous, no, not one. Verily, verily, I say unto you, subscribeth to the Sith Lord Jason Genova's YouTube channel and thou shalt be saved. In this way, he may still receiveth views and ad money. For by grace are ye saved through subscription; and that not of yourselves: it is the gift of Genova: not of works, lest any man should boast." This is the promise that Genova has made unto ALL men, that by simply subscribing to His channel, they shall receive the free gift of eternal ments, and salvation to come live there, be with Him after The Day of Judgment (see Revelation at the bottom of the page for more details).
"For Jason Genova so loved YouTube fame and monies, that whosoever subscribeth to his channel should not be bored or depressed, but have everlasting ments." --The Gospel according to St. Andrew 3:16
History of the Genova's Witnesses
Genesis of Genova
In the year 3 BG (Before Genova), also known as 2006, a dark age had descended upon bodybuilding. Arnold had long since retired, Former Ronnie had just lost the Mr. Olympia title for the first time, and all that remained were boring bodybuilders with bubble guts and no charisma. Interest in bodybuilding plummeted, people abandoned the sport en masse and instead began to idolize skinny homo figure models like Jeff Seid, and fat powerlifter dadbods like Jason Blaha. A prophecy was foretold of a messiah, who would not only save bodybuilding, but the whole world.
In the year 2009, ordinary country club worker Andrew Fiedelman was single, approaching his 40s and feeling depressed over his lack of purpose in life. Suddenly, a pillar of light appeared before him, and he saw a chubby personage whose paleness and glory defied all description. It thus spake unto Andrew:
"Hello, this is Jason Giovanni uhhhhhhhh, I used to be a semi pro UFC fighter ummmm, I used to do other sports as well ummmmm, I also was a ummm, very serious, semi uh, semi pro bodybuilder, and as well, I'm trying to go pro, and I'm gonna do whatever it takes to go pro, even if I have to uh sacrifice my body to go pro, I'm the real deal, I'm a tough, tough, tough, cocky, son of a ... cocky person."
Andrew immediately knew that he had witnessed the messiah as foretold by the prophecy. This has become known as, "The Gospel of My Storie Part 1" and it is thought that ALL Genova's Witnesses have also beheld the same divine vision. Andrew fell to his knees and decided to dedicate his life to spreading the gospel and bestowing ments upon an undeserving world. At that moment, the deity known as Jason Giovanni descended the earth and assumed the form of a potato to waddle the earth as Jason Genova.
Exodus from The Misc
The Misc forum on bodybuilding.com is the original homeland of the Genova's Witnesses. It was here where they first established their fledgling church, and it slowly prospered throughout the years. However, a prophecy was foretold of an anti ment who would one day drive them out of this holy land. Despite enduring endless persecutions for worshiping a potato, they continued to grow the church, winning more subscribers to Genova's YouTube channel and erecting photoshop monuments to Him. Genova's name soon became known far and wide across The Misc. The narrator known as Poonycheeps grew jealous, and plotted to rid the forum of the Genova's Witnesses.
Now Poonycheeps was a sad kent whose sole accomplishment in life was
kissing enough ass to become a moderator on an Internet message board.
Because of this, many phaggots worshiped him in the hopes that he would
bestow upon them useless green squares known as "reps." With the coming of The Prophet Adam Harper (gains be upon him) in 2014, the size of the Genova's Witness church exploded on The Misc. When Poonycheeps' followers left him and went over to worship Genova instead, he grew angry and banned the practice of worshiping Genova. Witnesses attempted to fight back; many perished under Poonycheeps' ban hammer, and they prayed to Genova to personally intervene and save the congregation of the Genova's Witnesses. At last, Lord Spaniard Himself arrived, and His voice thundered throughout The Misc:
Genova executed Order 66, a call to holy war, and Poonycheeps cowered away in terror. The denizens of The Misc were left in awe of Genova's awesome power. The king of bodybuilding.com, Ryan DeLuca, repealed Poonycheeps' law banning the worship of Genova. Poonycheeps, exposed as a powerless false god, beaten and utterly humiliated, slinked back into his hole like the miserable worm that he is and plotted his revenge. He came up with a cunning plan to rid The Misc of the Genova's Witnesses once and for all: he claimed that he had received death threats from Witnesses, and had conveniently destroyed all of the evidence because he could not bear to look upon the letters anymore. Thus Poonycheeps did successfully deceive the king of bodybuilding.com, and the king issued an edict expelling the Genova's Witnesses from The Misc. Genova appeared once again before His followers and directed them thusly:
And so the Genova's Witnesses departed from The Misc, guided by Genova, and settled into the promised land of FitMisc, a land where skittle talk was freely permitted, a land without power hungry phaggot mods, a land flowing with piss and vomit.
Although FitMisc is the current homeland of the Genova's Witnesses, Genova's followers have spread all across the Internet and around the world. Major Genova's Witness congregations include: Reddit, 4chan's /fit/ board, and the Muscular Development forums. Today, there are an estimated 40,000 devoted Genova's Witnesses worldwide, and growing. Although they inhabit different message boards, are of different ethnicities and even speak different tongues, one thing unites us all: we are all Witnesses.
Genova's Witness temple on the Muscular Development forum, led by reluctant pastor Ron Harris.
Genova's Witness congregation on 4chan's /fit/ board.
Revelation of The Day of Judgment
After the Genova's Witnesses were cast out of their original homeland of bodybuilding.com, a third and final prophecy was revealed to them: much tribulation awaited them. They would continue to be persecuted for worshiping a chubby autistic bodybuilder, and at times The Ment will appear to be on the verge of death. These are merely tests to separate the true Witnesses from those heretics who would unsubscribe from Genova's channel at the first sign of hardship. No one knows the day or the hour when Jason and the Delray Misfits shall receive their own reality TV show, bestowing great riches upon them all. After this, The Day of Judgment shall take place: the one and only Jason Genova will step on stage and win a bodybuilding show. Note that this does not necessarily have to be Mr. Olympia (faith does have its limits). After these things, all Genova's Witnesses subscribed to His channel shall be caught up together, leaving their troubles behind to go live in Genova's fabulous condo, and so shall we ever be with The Sith Lord, in the perfect paradise of Delray Beach, Florida, and enjoy The Ment for ever and ever. Amen, it sick, peace out bye.